Saturday, December 6, 2008

Jeff Mangum, Our Nation Turns Its Lonely Blogs To You

The year has nearly come to end. That means it’s time for best-of lists and ours will be coming soon. But first, we wanted to recognize Neutral Milk Hotel’s Jeff Mangum. The year essentially belonged to him. And given the indie blogosphere’s tendency to blow their collective wads anytime Mangum is seen venturing outside his home, we here at NQL decided to comb through the various blogs and webzines and compile the biggest news stories and events that involved Mangum in 2008.

On January 18, 2008, Aquarium Drunkard blogged that Jeff Mangum had recently purchased the Goodyear Blimp through fan contributions. It has since been renamed "Jeff's Jolly Good Floating Balloon.”

On January 29, 2008, Theft Liable to Prosecution confirmed that Jeff Mangum had reprised his role as Daddy Warbucks in an off-Broadway production of Annie. Mangum's performance was widely panned as "derivative" and "inauthentic."

On February 4, 2008, in a pre-game Super Bowl discussion with NFL analyst Chris Collinsworth, Jeff Mangum predicted the New York Giants would upset the then 18-0 New England Patriots and "shock the world." His prediction turned out to be true. He also performed at halftime:
On February 14, 2008, breaking from their regular format, The View added a male perspective to the show by inviting Jeff Mangum to be a regular member. The position only lasted three days as there was rumored a bitter power struggle between Mangum and Barbara Walters. When interviewed after his departure, a bitter Mangum replied, "Fuck them. I was only trying to get closer to a speaking role in Sister Act 3 anyway." Whoopi Goldberg steadfastly denies any pre-production of a Sister Act 3.

On March 4th, 2008, Idolator reported Jeff Mangum recited the famous Cool Hand Luke dialogue from "Civil War" with Guns n' Roses at a concert in Prague.

On April 18, 2008, a Pitchfork Media writer unknowingly walked in on his wife and Jeff Mangum engaging in sexual intercourse. While giving what he saw a 10.0 rating, the writer famously quipped, "Like Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and I See A Darkness before it, this jurasich act screams simplicity, but when the necessary (yet onerous) layers of creativity are peeled back, the lucky audience realizes what they are seeing is more dense and heartening than the vortex of a centaur's soul." It was also reported that the writer was greeted with congratulatory shouts and high-fives from other members of the Pitchfork staff immediately following the official announcement that Mangum had nailed his wife.

On March 17, 2008, Brooklyn Vegan was the first to break the news that a piece of burnt toast bearing Jeff Mangum's likeness sold on eBay for a then-record sum of $7,012.00.

On May 15, 2008, My Old Kentucky Blog reported that Jeff Mangum was apprehended by local authorities scrawling "Here's where your mother sleeps, / and here is the room where your brothers were born" on a men's room wall in Sacramento, CA.

On June 1, 2008, after playing to a sold-out crowd of vagrants in Miami, Florida, Jeff Mangum pulled down his pants to commemorate Jim Morrison's famous exposure twenty-eight years earlier. The audience instantly is made aware of the true meaning behind the song "Two-Headed Boy".

On June 28, 2008, according to Large Hearted Boy, Jeff Mangum reportedly walked into a bar in Greenwich Village in New York and was informed by the bartender that they had named a drink after him. Sensing a set up for a bad one-liner insult, Mangum hesitantly walked up to the bar. However, he was soon delightfully surprised when he was served a Jeff Mangum: 1/3 lemon spritzer, 1/3 top shelf vodka, 1/3 ginger ale, with a splash of love. Magnum was reported to have said, "That's very refreshing," after he took a sip.

On July 2, 2008, Pitchfork Media reported that while vacationing in London, Jeff Mangum headed over to Wimbledon, grabbed a racquet, and dusted off Roger Federer in straight sets (6-0, 6-0, 6-1).

On July 10, 2008, Tankboy blogged about a newly released bag of Skittles in which each of the five candies is "flavored" after a Jeff Mangum project. Sales were slow and production stopped in August, but those who liked the new Skittles bought and consumed them feverishly while they were available.

On August 12, 2008, while under physical surveillance by several Cokemachineglow interns, Jeff Mangum walked into a Boston Dunkin Donuts and ordered a box of 60 Munchkins. He was only charged for 59 of them.

On August 31, 2008, Stereogum was the envy of the indie blog world when they were the first to report that Jeff Mangum had recently ridden the New York subway.

On September 12, 2008, an area underneath the Brooklyn Bridge attracted a large crowd and media attention when an image of Jeff Mangum mysteriously appeared on the concrete wall. Apples in Stereo leader Robert Schneider was summoned and, upon examination, announced the image was, in fact, not Mangum, but rather the Virgin Mary. The crowd quickly dissipated.

On October 4, 2008, Jeff Mangum was prominently involved in another Chicago Cubs postseason collapse:

No Jeff, nooooooo!

On October 9, 2008, at an Elephant 6 reunion show in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, Jeff Mangum, while playing a life-affirming one minute set, shed a single tear, out of which a resurrected Anne Frank arose.

On October 18, 2008, at another Elephant 6 Holiday Surprise Tour in Pittsburgh (see below), Jeff Mangum made a surprise appearance and played Neutral Milk Hotel b-side "Engine" much to the delight of the small crowd packed in at the Brillobox. However, delight quickly turned to chaos as several people in the audience fainted from excitement. This included former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, who was front and center. "It was still worth it," a smiling Greenspan said. "Although I still can’t believe he didn’t play 'Holland, 1945.'"
The Elephant 6 lineup at a reunion show (from L-R): Guy with tuba, guy no one cares about, Jeff Mangum!!!, Larry Bird, guy...maybe girl, guy grabbing the mic stand.

On October 25, 2008, the world was shocked when Jesus Christ, not heard from for approximately 2000 years, issued a press release through his agent Scott Boras during Game 3 of the 2008 World Series. The release stated, "I love you too, Jeff Mangum."

On November 22, 2008, Pitchfork Media realized they had only included one Neutral Milk Hotel song in their newly released book The Pitchfork 500: Our Guide to the Greatest Songs from Punk to the Present. In a panic, they immediately contacted their publishing company and ordered them to stop production of the 1st edition. The 2nd edition, with appropriate corrections, is now titled, The Pitchfork 522: Our Guide to the Greatest Songs from Punk to the Present.

On November 30, 2008, Gorilla Vs. Bear reported that moose hunters discovered what was first believed to be Jeff Mangum's withered corpse inside a homemade sleeping bag in an abandoned bus in the Alaska wilderness. Gorilla Vs. Bear further stated that Mangum's last words, written in wild blueberry juice on the end leaf of Chuck Klosterman's Fargo City Rock, were, "Where's a vegan taco stand when you need one?" (NQL would like to point out that these reports are still unconfirmed.)

On December 2, 2008, President-Elect Barack Obama tagged Hilary Clinton to be Secretary of State, rather than going with the conventional pick of Jeff Mangum. Obama political consultant David Axelrod stated that the final decision came down to Mangum's complete lack of foreign policy experience, and his refusal to discontinue business negotiations with Germany.

On December 8, 2008, it was confirmed by several media outlets that Jeff Mangum had still not recorded or released any new material in a long, long time.

--NQL Staff

2 comments:

maura said...

a++++

jj6p said...

Best article I've ever read.

 
eXTReMe Tracker